Friday, May 11, 2012

Atomic Grace and the Nuclear Family

   Most scientists agree that the earth was formed around 4.5 billion years ago and that the earliest example of life shows up half a billion years later. Thankfully though, the world's not run by scientists and the rest of us can rest assured in the planet only being around 6000 years old like the Bible tells us. ( source: Here ) Whew! There's a tendency to feel infinitesimally insignificant when considering yourself as part of an history spanning 4,500,000,000 years. Six thousand is a much more emotionally manageable number, and of all the things I want for my newborn daughter (As opposed to oldborn? Is she Benjamina Button?) emotional stability sits high on the list. Still, I want her to have a sense of wonder as well; to feel the grandeur of the universe and all its magnanimous magnificence. Perhaps I can find some evidence that supports a number somewhere between those other two. Regardless of any world views though, my three day old little girl is a marvel.
    At a scale of size nearly incomprehensible, a minute piece of elementary matter with a negative charge circles around a larger, positively charged bit of matter. As a metaphor this may represent Avery and myself, but it more accurately describes a Hydrogen atom, the smallest and most widely spread element in the universe according to those pesky scientists. That Hydrogen atom may bond with another atom or atoms then to form a chemical compound or molecule like H2O, which we all recognize as water. Maybe that water molecule is part of a complex molecule though like a ribosome. Combined with other organelles like the  endoplasmic reticulum, the golgi apparatus and the nucleus, a ribosome helps to make up a cell. That microscopic cell is just one of a multitude that could make up the brain. Other organs and systems together make up her tiny little body. She in turn is a piece of the vast organism we call humanity and humanity is an aspect of the Earth's interwoven ecology. Together with its satellite moon, forming another model of Hydrogen, the Earth orbits the sun as part of the solar system. The solar system swirls around on the outer edges of the Milky Way galaxy and the galaxy hurtles through space at an astounding speed of 671,000 miles per hour, surrounded by the other galaxies of the Local Group. And who knows how much further the pattern of expansion continues? Perhaps there will come a day when we recognize that our Local Group make up a recognizable unit in an even bigger whole which is in itself a smaller piece of something else. The immensity of scope is incredible and beautiful. More beautiful yet, however, is the realization that my child is now a part of it all. Two cells, packed full of elementary atoms, merged and for almost ten months drew in more atoms, slowly building this new person. Maddeningly slow at times, but with an exponential speed for most of it, Avery shaped her existence from the same stuffs that surround all of us and make up the universe as a whole. If there is a God, and I don't advocate for Its existence, this is where we can find Them.



    This is all the further I'd gotten when Erin, at home with Avery, sent a photo of the little girl to my phone. All that I'd written was still true, but it was suddenly insufficient. Thoughts of atoms don't make my chest swell. The complexities of this reality fail to make my eyes tear up. No scientist I've ever heard of has managed to measure love. In his sermons, my own dad has spoken of the grace of God. He says that grace is undeserved, un-earned love; that God loves us in spite of what we do or are, and is unconditional. This is what a parent has for their child. I love my country for the ideals it was built on. I love Erin for her many attributes and traits. I love so many things in my life, but Avery I love simply because she is. I loved her from the moment I saw that first ultrasound image and heard her heartbeat. Nothing in my entire life though prepared me for the burst of love and joy I felt as I watched her emerge from my wife.  Covered in blood and other fluid, her head misshapen and discolored, I had never seen anything so awe inspiring and beautiful. I spent the length of the pregnancy jealous of Erin. She may have felt like a "beached whale," dealt with the nausea, and been denied all kinds of food and drink, but she felt every roll, kick and hiccough our daughter made. She carried her for the greater part of a year and grew an indescribable bond the likes of which I will never have with any of our children. Nonetheless, it does not diminish what I feel for Avery, and the pleasure I felt at the privilege of seeing her birth. I have felt the grace of God, and I see Its work in her features; Her long, slim fingers that grip my own, the small soft ears, and big eyes which even now track Erin and my movements. Somewhere deep inside my baby girl are the atoms that once belonged to her mother and I, and that has given we three a connection that nothing will ever lessen. I look forward with great anticipation to all of her firsts and seeing her grow and live the life that she chooses. I love you, Avery Marie and I'm so very proud of you.

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